I am once again sharing three new metaphors of mine (the frequent reader of this blog should start seeing a pattern). However, this time, instead of being related to startups or businesses, it will be about relationships. I hope they will provide you with practical terms to better communicate with your partners and give you words to explain how you might feel.

The symphony

Conflict and misunderstanding are bound to happen in a couple, and it takes a lot of time to synchronize and understand one another. As such, there are moments where one has been hurt, and it is important to talk about it. However, it can be hard to talk about it in a balanced and nuanced way. It can be easy to either want to explode and exact revenge or struggle to criticize a loved partner for fear of hurting them. The latest is especially true when the mishap was unintentional (which should be the case; if your partner is intentionally hurting you, there are deeper issues at play). A good way of keeping balance while giving constructive feedback is to see the relationship as a symphony; a long, complex, and beautiful piece of music. Sometimes, a false note occurs. Does it ruin the symphony that has been playing for years? No, of course not. Should it be swept under the rug? Neither. It matters to address it, to prevent that dissonance from reoccurring in the future.
Such false notes need to be communicated early and firmly so they don’t keep happening and build resentment. If done right from the beginning, it helps ensure the couple learns to play the symphony right for both instead of slowly accumulating recurring false notes. I found this metaphor really helpful in making that process understandable to the other party and keeping the call out appropriate to said wrong note.

“It is not a personal attack, not a criticism of you or us, but just something that I am letting you know I don’t want to happen again, a singular false note in our big symphony.”

The pillars

Another form of balance in a relationship is how much of your life is being shared with your partner. Either extreme is unhealthy. If you share nothing, why be in a relationship then? And if you share too much, you take the risk of dissolving your individuality in your couple, which can be harmful and lead to co-dependency. A personal way to visualize what (disclaimer) I consider a good balance is by thinking of people as pillars, columns of rock. In a co-dependent relationship, the two pillars form a triangle, needing one another to stand. Remove one, and the other collapses on the ground. In a healthy relationship, each pillar stands straight by itself, made of personal life, interests, relationships, etc. The relationship built between the two is the overarching triangle that lies on both. It is the beautiful part that couldn’t exist without both pillars, and it will disappear should one of the pillars go. However, even in that case, the other pillar will still stand straight, as it has a life of its own, preventing it from collapsing.

The pyramid

Disclaimer: While this article is based on a personal perspective, the following section is even more built upon personal values and beliefs. The common culture around the world presents romantic relationship success as marriage, with the concept of “forever.” It is something I personally cannot fully relate to. For me, relationship success is defined by how healthy it is and how much it brings to those involved. I want to be with my partner because I want to be with them, every day. It sounds so simple, and yet. If we think of a long-lived relationship as a pyramid, a colossal edifice built over time, it seems complicated for me to make such a promise to someone. So much can happen, we can change, extreme events can scar us, we could slowly realize that the other person is not right to be with, or was but is not anymore. Rather than committing to a promise to build what might be the biggest enterprise of our life at the very start of it, I would rather see it as a continuous commitment. A daily effort to add a block to the pyramid, which is no small feat. It takes effort, energy, and willingness to pay attention to add the block right every day. And it is easier to do so without the publicized objective to make it a pyramid, as it can either create pressure so enormous it creates paralysis and abandonment, or prevent any effort (“it’s bound to happen anyway, and that’s how it is”). Any relationship might not become a pyramid and might result in just being a fine statue. But who knows, block after block, you might end up smiling at each other from an armchair in a retirement home, from the top of your beautiful pyramid.

Don’t worry too much about the length of your relationship or if it will be eternal or not. Nothing can be guaranteed in this world, but you can make sure it’s right every day.

What matters isn’t the size of what will be built, but that it will be beautiful from beginning to end.

Have a beautiful day,

Thibault
Personas Director
Personal and Startup Advisor

As usual here’s the Infographic for you to use and share, as a summary: